Monday, December 21, 2009
Maybe if I start to exercise again and not eat a lot, then maybe the baby would miscarry. It would be so much easier to just have it “go away” quickly.
I would do anything if it would mean that I could hold this baby, if only for a few minutes. Oh, how my heart aches to be able to hold this baby.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4
If it looks like I am strong, it is Christ.
This is just not fair.
I tell the kids all the time, “Life is not fair. It’s our job to be content with what we have been given.”
I’m thankful that God is more concerned with my personal holiness, than my happiness…but right now, I’d rather be happy.
I wish the waves were predictable…instead they come and go on their own accord.
I want to melt away and let the earth swallow me up.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want who I was spiritually last Monday morning to be stronger, more reliant on God…but this life that “will never be the same again” is almost too much for my heart to take.
Sammy asks, “Mommy, why are you so sad?”
I’m done washing and reusing plastic bags. I give myself permission to not care about what ends up in the landfills right now.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28 – Thank you Julie M for the reminder!
Livvy says, “I don’t want it to be a sister anymore”.
I want a miracle.
We all say, “Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!”
You Must Suffer – John Piper
Psalm 119:68—"Thou art good and doest good."
I’m nervous about going to church. What if I break down and cry? What if I don’t?
Sometimes, neither good nor bad, people’s hugs feel like they are more for them then for me. I don’t mind. We just all must grieve differently, experience other’s grief differently, or maybe makes them re-experience past grieves.
It was just brought to my attention in a note/prayer from a friend that I have 4 children. I will always have one more than what I have around me.
Somehow there is a quiet peace in my heart and head.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
We know that God is good. We know that His ways are not our ways. We know that all things work together for good for those who love Him. God in His great mercy has been preparing us for this, though it is certainly nothing that we would choose to go through or wish for anybody else. In some things that we’ve been reading and listening to, we are more and more convinced that God has a greater plan than we could ever imagine. Our job is to let go of our right to ourselves, stop fighting for what we want, what we think should happen. Our job is let God use the path He has chosen to bring us to a deeper and more personal knowledge of Him, and sometimes that can only come through suffering. We choose to stand on Him and His promises. Faith isn’t faith until it is the only thing you’re standing on.
We believe that every life is a precious gift from God. We will try our best to treasure each moment that we have with this little one, from hopeful kicks from inside the womb to whatever amount of time that God allows us to have with our little one once he or she is born. Our prayers right now, among many others that you can imagine we’re praying, is that if God allows us to carry this little one to term that the baby’s organs would be viable and used to help other families whose babies are in desperate need of a transplant. It gives our pain some hope and purpose.
The road before us looks to be a very long and hard road to walk. We invite you to walk it with us. We need you, our family and church family, to surround us with your loving arms, to lift us up in prayer. If you see us at church, at work, at playgroup, or around town, feel free to ask us how we’re doing. But please don’t be offended if we can only give you is a short or pat answer. It is still so raw and we can imagine that it will be for quite sometime, that it will be too hard for us open up with everybody.
We love you.
Tom and Jenn
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sammy rests his index finger thoughtfully on his chin and says, "When I was a little boy..."
Ben calls out from all corners of the house, "Ma ma! Ma ma! Ma ma!" -I'm hidden on top of Livvy's bunk remaking her bed...I wonder how long I'll be able to climb up there before a big belly gets too much in the way?
Livvy says, as she's taking the umpteenth armful of laundry from the bedrooms to the laundry room, "Mom, we have too much laundry." I say, "Well, maybe we shouldn't have so many clothes." She says, "No way! Our clothes will get too dirty to wear on Sunday."
Mom's thinking - Math problem: I just put away the last of the one load of laundry that I started on Wed. With four loads of laundry to do today, not counting the exponential accumulation of laundry in the following days, when will laundry be done? Dad, I need your help. I've never been good at word problems. Is sometime before the new year the right answer? Humph. Maybe we should consider fig leaves making a come-back as a friend suggested on FB.
Must go...times a ticking.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
That evening we "trimmed" the tree - well, it's more like taking it out of the box and fluffing, fluffing, fluffing, and then putting on endless amounts of ornaments. After the decorating of the tree by the children, we've since redistributed some of the ornaments so that they can have their own branch and making sure all the breakable were up about two feet. We all had fun.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday at 10:30 was her party. She'd had dad's help in making of list of all the things that she wanted to have at her party: pizza, balloons, cake, dance, etc. I think we covered all of them.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
In this set of five cd's, she talks on the simpler life. Totally and completely surrendering to God is the only way to have that simple, peaceful life... If you truly believed that the God of the universe was walking by your side every day, that He cared for you, knew all things that were and that were going to be, how would your life be different? Extremely! A life of faith is opposite of a life of fear. Even the most trying of times couldn't knock us from our safe and solid ground, Jesus Christ our rock and saviour!
Here are a couple of poems that Ellisabeth quotes that gave my heart a new prayer:
Do the Next Thing
there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'
Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.
Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.
Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
On Friday night we got to work carving our four pumpkins. Livvy wanted a happy face with a shooting star. Sammy wanted a monster truck. We didn't ask Ben what he wanted. The big kids had fun scrapping the guts out of their pumpkins, while Ben enjoyed flinging pumpkin seeds around with a large metal spoon.
After trick-or-treating, we told the kids that now we could give candy out to other kids. They thought that that sounded like a great fun. As the waiting went from 5min to 15min, we decided to give the boys their bath. Livvy stayed glued to the window, watching for trick-or-treaters. I joined her in her sad vigil, we hummed a little made-up tune. Finally three little glow-sticks, beacons of hope, appeared to be coming across our front yard. It was trick-or-treaters! Livvy got so excited she could hardly contain herself. She looked at me with the biggest of smiles, "Mommy, I prayed for someone to come!" Livvy thought giving out candy was way better than trick-or-treating.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Then on Sunday after naps, we finished up our Apples lesson for school. We had 11 different apples to measure and sample, 10 that we bought at the store and one from our tree. It was a fun and tasty experiment. In the end, Tom and I preferred Fuji and Honeycrisp, Livvy liked the Red Delicious, and Sammy liked Granny Smith and Ambrosia (mostly because it was the biggest apple that we bought).
This week has been fairly uneventful so far. We've done school in the morning, AWANAs on Monday night, and that's about it. Today we went to Sam's club and loaded up on all sorts of crunching, salty and sweet things for me to nibble on throughout the day...warding off morning sickness. At night after dinner I usually end up curled up in a ball on the couch. Last night we plugged into Hulu.com to pass the time and take my mind off of wanting to puke. I think I'm really going to like high-speed internet.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
We made a couple of stops along the way. The first being the side of a mountain/hill that was all sand across from Arches Nat'l Park. The kids had seen it on our way to CO and had wanted to climb it, so we stopped and let them at it. They had so much fun climing up and running/rolling down the red sand. Sammy spent a considerable amount of time rolling/pushing a rock down the hill. He was so proud of himself. Livvy just got absolutely filthy. And Ben just had fun trying to stay upright.
The last fun stop was at Wilson Arch just outside of Moab. It looked like a rock that was just begging to be climbed. So...Tom pulled over, and he and the big kids happily scampered up. Ben was just thrilled to stay at the bottom and dance around.
We got the kids dressed in what winter clothes I brought, which wasn't much (I trusted the 30-40% chance of snow) and sent them outside. They were both able to see and even touch the deer...well, Livvy was able to "pet" the mama deer's neck and Sammy got scuffed on the cheek by the mama deer's front ankle - she apparently didn't think he should be that close. After I got both he and I calmed down, Sammy was out the door again, he wanted to pet the baby deer.
It was so much fun to be there and see my best friend getting married. I'm so excited for how God is going to lead them in the future. Marriage is a wonderful adventure.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Well...you know what they say about plans (not that anything went wrong, I just thought that that sounded like a funny thing to say). Instead of barely blinking an eyelid, the kids, all three of them, woke up. They were so excited to be getting on the road that they were chatty and making all kids of fun awake noises. Thankfully that only lasted for about 30-40 mins and they did go back to sleep...for about 40 mins. They awoke with the sun. Upon seeing the sunrise and the beautiful desert landscape Livvy said, "My eyes are so happy".
Then, somehow through driver or navigator error, we made a wrong turn, heading down instead of up. But hey, the lady at the gas station where we picked up some breakfast burritos said that a lot of people make that mistake...so I think we'll blame the state for poor road markings. It only cost us about 40 mins in driving time.
After passing through Moab, we decided to stop at Arches Nat'l Park, Utah to let the kids get out and stretch their legs (and the adults too). We didn't actually go into the park, we just parked along the roadside entrance, walked over to the mountain, and started climbling. It was just what we needed. So much fun!
Friday, October 2, 2009
We'll go back in 2-4 weeks to see if there's any damage done to his other bottom front tooth that hasn't popped through yet (there was too much swelling to see today). Pray for Ben and for his little teeth, that there isn't too much permanent damage done.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
That night he got to open his present from Grammie and Pop-pop. A big dump truck! He was so thrilled. Lately he's been hooking up his dump truck to his trike and "towing" it around the house.
Friday night after pizza we had birthday cake. I had Sammy look through a book of different party cakes, dinosaurs, trucks, balls, etc. and he wanted a train cake. His absolute most favorite book is The Little Engine That Could. So, I went to work on making him a train birthday cake that looked, or at least resembled the Little Blue Engine. I'm not sure if I totally accomplished my goal, but I think it turned out really well and, the most important thing, Sammy loved it!
Here's some little snip-it's of Sammy this week: upon putting the fireball in his mouth that was the light on top of the Little Blue Engine, Sammy said, "This is spicy...but I can handle it." "Follow me guys." "But I don't want to." Pray that Sammy makes it to his fourth birthday;).