With naming the other kids, meaning wasn't that important. We liked the names; we liked that you could shorten the names, etc. And we liked the fact that their names didn't have meaning like "husband slayer", which I kid you not, is the meaning of a girl's name. But we were never quite moved by the beautiful meaning of a name to go ahead, for meaning sake, and name a little girl Hephzibah (true name). Heppy for short?
With this precious one, meaning is very important. This little one will only have its name to express the purpose behind his/her life. But, having a name that isn't so popular that we would hear it out of every other parent's mouth, is also important. At this point I can only guess that it would be more painful than a blessed reminder to see another child with the same name, especially the same age.
Another side note before I get to the good stuff. From the beginning of our journey with this special baby, I've wanted to know the sex and give him/her a name. It just felt like that's what was needed to get to "know" this child as much as we can in the time that we have. What I didn't realize is that the more we know about this child, the more we truly "know" him/her and therefore...it gets personal, it gets real, it gets harder and harder to accept what's coming, and to say goodbye. It's easier to grieve for one you don't know, one that you haven't felt, one you've never seen. Once you know somebody, the pain of losing them is heart-wrenching.
At this point in my pregnancy, and in some way with my other pregnancies, it's hard to feel truly connected with the little life that's growing inside me. Although I've seen the little hands move and the little legs kick on the ultrasound screen; I've heard the strong heartbeat; my belly is growing...I have yet to feel this little one move inside me. It's so hard to really grasp that there is in fact a baby, a real live baby that is growing in me. I feel a little disconnected at times.
Last Tues. we found out we were having a boy. At first I was a little bit shocked - I was sure we were having a girl. Then I was happy - another little boy. But then...then I realized that I would never get to know my third son like I know my first two. Then it got hard. I realized that it was/is only going to get harder. I don't want to hurt. I don't like hard...especially not heart-hard.
A part of us pulled back from naming this little boy. Maybe it would be easier to stay somewhat disconnected. The more we know, the more it will hurt. God's voice of reason and peace spoke through our desire to protect our hearts and pushed us forward into the pain to get to know our little boy as much as we can...which meant, he needed a name.
We'd had the "short-list" of names I liked since last Wed. night. Tom and I stared at it, talked about it, scratched off some here and there, and then we'd put it away. Finally on Mon. night after the kids were in bed, I tried arranging the names that were left on the short-list together, first and middle to see what their combinations would mean. The moment I wrote it, I knew. It answered my hearts questions and calmed my fears. I ran over and showed Tom. He looked at it and nodded his headed very thoughtfully. We let it roll around in our heads and hearts for a couple of days, and then tonight we told the kids. They loved it.
I'd like you to meet our little boy:
"Take comfort, God is good"
"Take comfort, God is good"
-I was studying one of the videos that we got at the ultrasound and God gave me this little face to hold onto and get to "know".