Monday, December 21, 2009

The Week's Random Thoughts

To journal or blog is very cathartic for me...if I can get them out of head and onto paper (or screen in this case) it prevents them from clanging into each other in my mind creating mass confusion and an anxious heart. Here are some of those thoughts:


Monday Morning:
Maybe if I start to exercise again and not eat a lot, then maybe the baby would miscarry. It would be so much easier to just have it “go away” quickly.


Monday Evening:
I would do anything if it would mean that I could hold this baby, if only for a few minutes. Oh, how my heart aches to be able to hold this baby.


Tuesday:
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4

If it looks like I am strong, it is Christ.


Wednesday:
This is just not fair.
I tell the kids all the time, “Life is not fair. It’s our job to be content with what we have been given.”

I’m thankful that God is more concerned with my personal holiness, than my happiness…but right now, I’d rather be happy.

I wish the waves were predictable…instead they come and go on their own accord.

I want to melt away and let the earth swallow me up.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I want who I was spiritually last Monday morning to be stronger, more reliant on God…but this life that “will never be the same again” is almost too much for my heart to take.


Thursday:
Sammy asks, “Mommy, why are you so sad?”

I’m done washing and reusing plastic bags. I give myself permission to not care about what ends up in the landfills right now.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28 – Thank you Julie M for the reminder!


Friday:
Livvy says, “I don’t want it to be a sister anymore”.

I want a miracle.


Saturday:
We all say, “Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!”


Sunday:
You Must Suffer – John Piper

Psalm 119:68—"Thou art good and doest good."

I’m nervous about going to church. What if I break down and cry? What if I don’t?

Sometimes, neither good nor bad, people’s hugs feel like they are more for them then for me. I don’t mind. We just all must grieve differently, experience other’s grief differently, or maybe makes them re-experience past grieves.

It was just brought to my attention in a note/prayer from a friend that I have 4 children. I will always have one more than what I have around me.


Monday…again.
Somehow there is a quiet peace in my heart and head.

1 comment:

Kristen said...

Oh, Jenn...your honesty is remarkable, as well as your strength. I'm sure you don't feel strong, but you are, as exhibited by the raw emotions that you allow to pour forth. Just to suffer in silence is not strength. You are allowing people to see that this is not easy, yet you are making it anyway...THAT is strength. THANK YOU for your honesty and allowing the rest of us to share in your difficult journey and hopefully make it a little bit easier. Take care!