Thursday, April 26, 2012


Red-neck #1

Last week sometime the kids were all outside playing with two little neighbor friends.  They grabbed some plastic bags for some reason and were walking down the street with them.  They filled with air as they were walking.  It gave me the idea to make kites out of them.  We tied some string around the handles.

Picture 5 kids running down the street with plastic bag kites.

I neglected to get a picture of the main event, but here's a picture of all the kites tied to the front of the house:


Red-Neck #2

In the midst of this, our neighbor Mr Bill came home.  He stuck his head out of the window of his truck and yelled (totally in jest),
"Hey, lady. Are all these kids yours?"
"No," I replied, "just 3" *smile*
"Oh.  I keep losing track."


Red-Neck #3

Then, Tom pulled around the corner as he was coming home from work.  He stopped short of the house to let all of the kids climb in.  Four of the kids handed me their kites to hold while they all went for a ride; the other one held it out the window.

Picture one small white car driving slowly through the neighborhood with five children hanging out of the windows, one of them flying a plastic bag kite.

Love it!!

This Morning

I got up this morning and nursed Jon around 6:45am.  The house was quiet.

As I was about to head downstairs, I noticed that Livvy and the boys' doors were open (usually they're still in their rooms until 7:00am).  Sammy was still sleeping in bed, but Livvy and Ben were gone.

Jon and I headed downstairs.  Still, the house was quiet - usually not a good sign.

I called for them a couple of times roaming from room to room.  Finally I spotted my two missing children outside on the trailer near the chicken coop (in the far corner of our acre).  Livvy was wrapped in the blanket from the couch and Ben had on his yellow rain pull-over.  They were just sitting together, bird-watching.  So sweet.

After awhile, the two headed back into the house...but not for long.  They grabbed Jon and headed back outside again.  This time the curled up in the swing together.

Gosh I love these kids...especially when they're not being flat out mean to each other.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Noah - 2 Years

This past Sunday we celebrated Noah's 2nd birthday.  It's crazy to think that it's been two years since we met and said goodbye.

I remember at the beginning time feeling like an enemy.  Every day and month that passed took me farther from Noah, forever stuck in time. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like that anymore. I don't long for that time back. It was hard.  I remember the ache and fear that I learned to live with.  I don't want to experience that again.

I still miss Noah greatly.  I miss what I wanted our lives to be like with him.  I miss knowing that little baby boy who I carried for 31 weeks. I miss the innocence that I had before finding out that our baby wouldn't come home.  I miss not having all of these questions that bombard my mind.

When there is time in this busy life to sit and ponder, I try to take stock in the possible good that having Noah has brought.  Sometimes, most of the time, it is extremely difficult.  What good could have possibly come from losing my baby?  What good has come from this sorrow?  What good has Noah's short life done?  I try to cling to Rom 8:28, God's promise that "all things work together for good",  but it's hard. Tom reminds me that I may never fully see it this side of heaven.  Heaven seems like a long time to wait.

Something good has to come of this experience, this little life.  I want to see that good.  I need Noah's life to mean something.  I want to be changed.  I know that I am changed, but I want/need to be different and better because of him.  I want a sweet, quietness in my soul that reflects a love and trust in Christ.  Just like a precious metal is refined in fire, the impurities are burned out of  it so that you can see your reflection in it.  I want to be refined.

I am so not there.

Maybe I'm more there than I used to be.  Maybe.

I don't want to look back in 20 years and still be the same ugly me.  If I'm not changed because of Noah, than his life will have been meaningless.  I know I will always sin, I will never be 100% pure.  But hopefully, if I'm mindful of it, if I'm on my knees, there will be less sin and more love, peace, self-control, patience, kindness, gentleness and joy.

 "I am not who I was, when I took my first steps.
But I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet."

Back to Noah's birthday.  Here are some words and pictures to describe his day:

lonelyforgottenfun, snowball fightlaughingsad, letting balloons go, waiting, tears, children not behaving, bowling, dinner at Freddie's, arms full, heart full, heart aching, missing my baby,  wanting to be alone, wanting to be with my honey and kids to celebratesweet timespecial day

 Sending Noah our love.

 Watching Noah's balloons float away.
Ben was a little reluctant to let go of the balloon.

Beautiful flowers blooming in Noah's garden.

A couple of months ago I was looking through Noah's box.  I guess I was reminding myself that he was real, not some fading dream.  Anyway, I found a $100 bill that I had forgotten was in there.  I had been saving it for just the right thing and then forgot about it.

Well, I finally found just the right thing - a necklace with Noah's hand print on it.  After doing lots of looking online I found an Etsy shop that had just what I wanted.  The gal really worked with me to make it just right.  On the front is his hand impression (she sent the stamp used to make the impression so that I can have it to use on anything else I might want his little print), and on the reverse is his name, meaning and birth date in a spiral.  It came in the mail about a week before Noah's birthday.  I love it!

It's a sweet reminder that Noah was here.
He was alive.
I will hold him again in heaven.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Baby Is One

I'm late getting this out, as usual.  Jonathan, my sweetest little baby boy turned the big One on March 31st.  It honestly doesn't seem like it could have been a whole year ago.  I remember his birth still very vividly.  My first homebirth.  My longest labor.  The best night of sleep after having a baby.  How could that all have been a year ago?

And now, that tiny little baby is my big little baby.  I say little because he's still on the shrimpy side, but he is growing and healthy.  He's learning all sorts of new tricks.  He raises his hands for "So Big", plays peekaboo, can stand unassisted for a couple of seconds, signs "more", "please", and "thank you", says, "Mama", "Dada", "Bye" and "Baaa" for "boo" (playing peekaboo), and I can tell that he's trying to say other things but they're a little indiscernible unless you're there.

I love seeing him learn! I'm excited, for the most part, of seeing his personality come through more and more.    I'm a little leery that he's going to turn into one of our big kids - loud, opinionated, and stubborn (just like Mom and Dad).  But, on the flip side, I'm excited that he might be like our big kids - fun, goofy, bright, and passionate (just like Mom and Dad).

Here they all are in their Easter attire:

Gosh I love these kids!  God has truly blessed us abundantly!