Thursday, April 19, 2012

Noah - 2 Years

This past Sunday we celebrated Noah's 2nd birthday.  It's crazy to think that it's been two years since we met and said goodbye.

I remember at the beginning time feeling like an enemy.  Every day and month that passed took me farther from Noah, forever stuck in time. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like that anymore. I don't long for that time back. It was hard.  I remember the ache and fear that I learned to live with.  I don't want to experience that again.

I still miss Noah greatly.  I miss what I wanted our lives to be like with him.  I miss knowing that little baby boy who I carried for 31 weeks. I miss the innocence that I had before finding out that our baby wouldn't come home.  I miss not having all of these questions that bombard my mind.

When there is time in this busy life to sit and ponder, I try to take stock in the possible good that having Noah has brought.  Sometimes, most of the time, it is extremely difficult.  What good could have possibly come from losing my baby?  What good has come from this sorrow?  What good has Noah's short life done?  I try to cling to Rom 8:28, God's promise that "all things work together for good",  but it's hard. Tom reminds me that I may never fully see it this side of heaven.  Heaven seems like a long time to wait.

Something good has to come of this experience, this little life.  I want to see that good.  I need Noah's life to mean something.  I want to be changed.  I know that I am changed, but I want/need to be different and better because of him.  I want a sweet, quietness in my soul that reflects a love and trust in Christ.  Just like a precious metal is refined in fire, the impurities are burned out of  it so that you can see your reflection in it.  I want to be refined.

I am so not there.

Maybe I'm more there than I used to be.  Maybe.

I don't want to look back in 20 years and still be the same ugly me.  If I'm not changed because of Noah, than his life will have been meaningless.  I know I will always sin, I will never be 100% pure.  But hopefully, if I'm mindful of it, if I'm on my knees, there will be less sin and more love, peace, self-control, patience, kindness, gentleness and joy.

 "I am not who I was, when I took my first steps.
But I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet."

Back to Noah's birthday.  Here are some words and pictures to describe his day:

lonelyforgottenfun, snowball fightlaughingsad, letting balloons go, waiting, tears, children not behaving, bowling, dinner at Freddie's, arms full, heart full, heart aching, missing my baby,  wanting to be alone, wanting to be with my honey and kids to celebratesweet timespecial day

 Sending Noah our love.

 Watching Noah's balloons float away.
Ben was a little reluctant to let go of the balloon.

Beautiful flowers blooming in Noah's garden.

A couple of months ago I was looking through Noah's box.  I guess I was reminding myself that he was real, not some fading dream.  Anyway, I found a $100 bill that I had forgotten was in there.  I had been saving it for just the right thing and then forgot about it.

Well, I finally found just the right thing - a necklace with Noah's hand print on it.  After doing lots of looking online I found an Etsy shop that had just what I wanted.  The gal really worked with me to make it just right.  On the front is his hand impression (she sent the stamp used to make the impression so that I can have it to use on anything else I might want his little print), and on the reverse is his name, meaning and birth date in a spiral.  It came in the mail about a week before Noah's birthday.  I love it!

It's a sweet reminder that Noah was here.
He was alive.
I will hold him again in heaven.


Baugh's Farm said...

Such honesty and love, Thank you for sharing your pain and joy with all of us. We love you guys. Ruthy

Karen Bond said...

Your honesty and transparency are amazing. So beautiful, so touching.

Buster's Mom said...

I love the is the perfect thing. Noah is not forgotten and has forever left an imprint on many hearts. You are a wonderful momma.

Kaci Mae said...

That necklace is amazing...the balloons are so sweet. You are changed already, I am sure of it. You'll see it someday and it will amaze you to see what God has done. Thanks for sharing!

Hallie Schumaker said...

Dear Jenn,

I love your blog!  I have a close friend that lost an 18 month old this past May so I am always on the look-out for sites that have good 'real' information that might help them.  I am going to pass along the information to Chad and Kristina as they too have taken strength from their loss and have now started a non-profit in their son's name.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Noah.  As a mother myself, I cannot begin to imagine what you have gone through and my heart goes out to you and your family.

I work for Jewelry Keepsakes, an online retailer that specializes in cremation urns and memorial jewelry.  I was wondering if you would have any interest in doing a product review.  We have so many great products that I honestly feel can help parents that have experienced loss.  Getting an honest review not only helps us maintain the integrity of our products and shows us what is working and what we need to improve on but also lets us provide the best products we can to those that are grieving - and that matters most of all.  I have a particular fondness for our photo engraved keepsakes as they honor those that are living as well as those that have passed (I have three of each of my children).  I would be happy to send at no charge any keepsake of your choice.

The links to our site and to our photo engraved pendants are:

I am happy to answer any questions you might have and the best way to reach me is via reply to my email.  I also have a company email where you can contact me and that is

Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Best Regards,
Hallie Schumaker
Jewelry Keepsakes