Saturday, May 15, 2010

Noah's Story, Part 1

One month ago today I gave birth to a little boy who changed my world forever.  It's hard for me to say that he would be one month old today, because... he wouldn't have been; he was never designed or intended to be any older than 31 weeks in my womb (even though I long to be holding and caring for that sweet little baby boy).  The way his maker knitted him together makes it hard for me to even picture what he'd look like now, hopefully whole and happy in heaven. 

I haven't yet been able to process all the events of the last five months, so I'll share our story with little Noah Tobias in parts when I have the time.

To tell Noah's story I have to go back to October of 2009 when we first found out we were having another baby.  I was not happy about it.  In fact I was very upset and mad.  I didn't think I was ready.  I wanted more time with the three that we had.  I didn't want to start throwing up again.  I was just starting to really like how my body was shaping up and I didn't want to give it over to a baby yet.

Notice something?  Yeh, I was being very selfish.  I was fighting for my own plans and not God's.  Which is the first and biggest life lesson that I've learned through this journey with God and Noah.  It's not about me.

Soon after finding out about baby #4 my mom lent me one of Elisabeth Elliot's talks on CD.  Right now I can't remember the title of the message, but I do vividly remember the content: giving up the right to yourself.  Ugh!  That's so hard, especially in an age that's all about doing what's right and best for you; where we're encouraged to find ourself and develop our self-esteem, etc.

Elisabeth shared this poem from Betty Scott Stam (which I've posted before but will again) that has forever changed the way that I view this life - not that I still don't struggle and struggle a lot with it, but at least it's message is forever etched into my heart and head that it is what I must do, struggle to live it out.

Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes
All my own desires and hopes
And accept Thy will for my life.
I give myself, my life, my all
Utterly to Thee to be Thine forever.
Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit
Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt
And work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost now and forever.

Elisabeth summed it up like this: Relinquish, Accept and Give.  That's our job as we live this life.  Relinquish the right to our body, our plans, our desires, our purposes.  Accept God's perfect and holy will (even though you might not agree with it or it doesn't feel very holy at the time) without fighting and/or bitterness.  And then give your life to God to let Him work out His will with perfect peace.

Easier said than done.

But way back in October I did it...for the time being at least.  After a couple weeks of fighting against God regarding this new little life that He created in me, I relinquished, accepted and gave.  I got excited about God's plan for growing our family.

At eight weeks pregnant my morning sickness (which had kicked in early at five weeks) went away.  I wasn't sure if it was the new vitamin that I had started or what.  I got very scared that something was wrong with the baby.  I forgot that part of accepting God's plan could mean accepting pain.  My friend at our doctor's office got me in to do an ultrasound to check on baby.

The ultrasound showed a nice strong heartbeat.  Baby was measuring at seven weeks not eight weeks like I thought, which was not a big deal.  Everything looked "normal" and I was so relieved.  I was pregnant with our fourth baby and I was happy about it.

The next few weeks were uneventful.  Life was good.

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