Thursday, April 29, 2010

Lost In A Fog

The days seem very strange to me.  With the distraction of little ones, family around, and the house construction life sometimes feels somewhat "normal", whatever that really means.  And yet...there's something missing,  someone missing.  I just feel kinda lost, a little disconnected. 

Time and my body have continued without me - life keeps moving along with things to do, fun activities to share with the kids; my tummy is quickly returning to it's pre-pregnancy size (although the rest of me is not, which I'm glad for and discouraged by at the same time), my milk never came in (I also have mixed feelings about that)...  It feels like my body is betraying Noah by forgetting so quickly the little life that it carried for 7 months.  Did I really just have a baby or did I just wake up from a long terrible dream?  I have to look at the sweet pictures of Noah to remind myself that he was real, the events of two weeks ago really did take place.  How can it already be two weeks? 


Jaimi said...

I know you dont' know me but I saw your blog through Julie Donatini's blog. I went through losing a baby boy. It was a different scenario than yours. My heart goes out to you. It feels harsh to move forward but it's ok. You will never forget Noah. I promise. There is no chance that he will fade in your mind or heart. Just the ragged edges of the sharp pain in your heart and soul lessens. It was helpful for me to recognize that just because the pain was less sharp and I my chest didn't hurt with each breath, didn't mean I was forgetting, it meant God was mercifully healing me. Scars are a sign of healing. You'll never forget.

Jenni said...

Want you to know you and your family are in our prayers. Thank you for sharing so openly.

Kristen said...

-- author unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"