Safe and Free
Back at the end of August, I dropped Livvy of at a friend's house. There were several other teens there. They went to bed around 8:30 pm. They got up at 1:00 am, ate a light breakfast, drove to Snowbowl, and started hiking the Humphrey's Peak trail by 2 am. They wanted to see the sunrise at the summit. Other than being REALLY cold, the hike was fun and the sunrise absolutely beautiful.
Sam did the same sunrise hike with a different set of friends several weeks prior to Livvy's.
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| I believe Sam is in the middle. They're pointing at the moon and a bright star right next to it. |
I didn't sleep well either night. My kids were off, exploring, testing their limits and boundaries - like they should. Not safe and sound in their beds - like my mama heart wanted them to be. They're at that age where they need to push away. Not too much yet, but enough to figure out who they are, what they're capable of. They can't do that that by playing it safe.
Don't get me wrong. They were wise. They each went with someone who had gone before. They had proper equipment, headlights, water, a snack. But they went. No adult. I was proud and excited for them.
More freedoms came this summer. Livvy got her driver's permit back in May. Then, a month or more ago, she bought herself a car, a 2009 Nissan Versa with 55k miles. She worked 3 days during the week cleaning houses and then cleaned our Airbnb trailer on the weekends. She worked and saved.
Both Sam and Ben recently bought themselves some used quality bikes. So, on a Monday park night, they biked across town to a park where they've been playing Ultimate Frisbee weekly. 11 miles. Poor Livvy didn't have a gear bike. At 6:30 Sam and a couple other guys head over to Bible study with some other young men. We pick up Liv and Ben at the park a little after dark. Sam gets a ride home with one of the leaders of the Bible study. I love the friends that these kids have and I love that Sam is weekly in the Word with other young men!
I love that my big kids were able to find and exercise more and more freedom. As the mama, however, there is always that little bit of fear. Well, maybe a lot sometimes. What if...? What if...? What if...? Something could go wrong. They were out of reach. Way over on the other side of town. It didn't feel safe, even though it pretty much was and they have demonstrated that they are wise.
More and more this summer I've been challenge by this fact: Life isn't safe. Living isn't safe. Marriage isn't safe. Having kids isn't safe. I've been struggling this whole spring/summer with the idea of safety vs freedom. The two aren't necessarily opposites, but they do tug and pull at each other.
Tom had an older sister that died of a very random unknown illness when she was four (Tom was two at the time); it took her life within three days of first getting sick. When Livvy and Sam were little, I was happy when Livvy turned five. She was safe. Safe from dying like her aunt.
In 2010 our fourth baby was diagnosed and died in the womb from anencephaly. My idea of pregnancy being safe was extinguished. During each pregnancy following Noah's, I feared. I feared the first ultrasound. I feared each consecutive ultrasound. I feared the doctor's office, the hospital (we switched to a midwife and two homebirths, which helped in one area but brought up other fears). I feared the birth. Just losing Noah opened up a whole world of things that could go wrong. Not just in the womb, but after. I fought to keep my fears in check. I watched on a facebook support group how women who never let go of their fear kept them bound to the past and kept them from living for the future. I knew my husband and kids needed me to be free from fear. Free from all the what ifs.
I still fight fear. I think we all do. But, if I were too concerned with my kids' safety, I would be like ever other mom on the playground these days: "Don't climb that. You might get hurt." "Don't run too fast. You might fall down." Don't... You might...." Theses parents have so much fear that their kids end up fearing so much too. Fear of being hurt. Fear of falling down. Fear...
I want my kids to be overcomers and conquerors. Climb-a-tree kids. Try-new-things kids. Explore kids. Go-on-an-adventure kids. Get-up-and-brush-yourself-off kids (help the kid next to you while you're down there). I've felt pressured by other moms on those playgrounds to not let my kids climb, jump, play rough. The "you're not keeping your kids safe" stare. I feel like I'm a bad mom.
How much of their freedom, their ability to explore life, test their limits and strength am I supposed to take away to keep them safe? Sure they may fall. They may get some bumps, cuts, and bruises. They may even break a bone or two. And they have.
I love my children dearly, like every mother. I would give my life for them. I desperately want them to be safe. My heart has pounded so hard when I see gushing blood from a head wound, or I hear a kid's scream of obvious pain. I don't want them to experience any true hardship or pain. We as Americans especially want to end all suffering, at any cost it seems. But I can't protect them from everything. I'm not even sure it's my job to try to protect them from everything. I want to, but I don't think it's wise. There is so much they have learned about themselves, about mom and dad, and about God through painful experiences. To try to avoid pain, is maybe like trying to prevent the teacher from teaching.
It's not just a question for parenting. "Safety First" is the mantra these days. But, how much freedom do we give up in the name of safety? Just one of the many thoughts that run through my mind.
Freedom has a cost. I think it's worth it.
On the lighter side, here's a quick summary of 2020 so far for the Cutlip's:
In January, Tom, Livvy, Sam and I drove to El Paso and were bused into Juarez, Mexico (second highest murder rate in the world, by the way, totally not "safe" - yet we were TOTALLY safe) for an Operation Christmas Child Shoebox outreach. We went with a ministry called Amigo Fiel. Incredible experience! So hope to go again!
We did a lot of exploring around Northern Arizona: Moenave Dinosaur Tracks, Keyhole Sink, Sedona's Wet Beaver Creek and the Seven Sacred Pools (and the caves beyond), Winslow's Clear Creek (did a lot of cliff jumping), Cottonwood's Sycamore Creek (Parson Spring), Prescott's Watson Lake. It's been fun!
We also:
Went sledding with friends.
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Built a family of snowmen.
Sam, Ben and Jon participated in the FHE Science Fair. Sam learned about electroplating. Ben learned how steel wool burns, and Jon discovered some cool things about popcorn.
We bought 16 hens, were given one proud rooster, and built a chicken coop.
We also built a pergola for the front of the house and restored a porch swing. Best place to sit this summer and enjoy the sunset!
With the help of Ben's GoPro, we watched two sets of baby bird eggs, hatch and leave the nest.
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