Over the past year several anniversaries have come and gone.
Mid-October was the year anniversary when we first learned we were pregnant with baby #4. As I have written previously, I wasn't excited about the news.
Novemeber 4th was the anniversary of our first ultra-sound of baby #4. I was around 8 weeks pregnant and the morning sickness that is typical of my pregnancies had unexpectedly stopped. I was worried that the baby had died. We went in for an ultra-sound and it appeared that everything was fine. We got our first glimpse of what looked like a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.
December 14th was that terrible day one year ago when I went in for my first OB visit and learned that our baby, the baby that at first I really didn't want, had anencephaly and wouldn't live. Oh how I wanted that baby.
In February of 2010 we learned that our littlest baby was a boy. We named him Noah Tobias, "Take Comfort, God is Good".
And now, now we've come to April.
Arpil 13th. Four months after we first learned that our little baby would die, he did. A routine OB revealed that his heart had stopped. I called my dear friends that had been walking this road with me/us and told them, "Noah's gone".
April 14th. We had pictures taken by a local photographer, Tom and I went out to eat (we ended up not really eating much), and that night we checked into the hospital to be induced.
April 15th. At 8 something in the morning, right after the shift change, my water broke. Noah's body was delivered at 8:30am.
I remember it so clearly...and yet it seems like a distant dream.
How can a year have passed already? How can Noah have been gone so long? Wasn't I just carrying him? Didn't we just hold his little frail body in our hands? How can we be holding another baby in our arms now? It's so hard for my feeble little mind to grasp the simple passing of time.
I have saught God time and time again to help me understand why He chose to take Noah. Why He chose to create Noah with so many deformities.
Rom 8:28 says, "All things work together for our good". Really? How? I don't understand. I don't see any good. It doesn't feel good, even a year later. My heart so easily lets my circumstances determine what I believe about God. It's hard, but I need to let my belief in God reign over my circumstances, as the pastor of NewSpring church says in this sermon.
My very sweet and patient husband gently reminds me again and again that I need to trust God and His word, even when it doesn't seem to make sense. How can God's way make sense to us ants? He's God. He's so big. So much bigger than we think He is. Hopefully He'll choose to let us see the good, to see the why and how. But if not, He's still God and He's still good. Trust Him.
So...one year has passed since God took our little Noah Tobias. I will continue to remember. I will continue to mourn. I will continue to try to celebrate his life and God's good plan. And I will continue to try to trust Him in all things.
To celebrate and remember Noah and God's will being done we have a couple of things planned for our day. The kids and I made cookies this morning. Even though I had no intentions of singning "Happy Birthday" to Noah, the kids initiated it and so we sang.
Tom's taking a half day and will be home soon. We'll have a picnic, release some balloons, and then go to the Aquaplex to swim and have some family fun time. Last night when I told the kids what the plan for today was, specifically going swimming, Sammy said, "Maybe it's like Noah's having a swim party and he invited his family." Yeah, it's like that.