Thursday, April 29, 2010

Lost In A Fog

The days seem very strange to me.  With the distraction of little ones, family around, and the house construction life sometimes feels somewhat "normal", whatever that really means.  And yet...there's something missing,  someone missing.  I just feel kinda lost, a little disconnected. 

Time and my body have continued without me - life keeps moving along with things to do, fun activities to share with the kids; my tummy is quickly returning to it's pre-pregnancy size (although the rest of me is not, which I'm glad for and discouraged by at the same time), my milk never came in (I also have mixed feelings about that)...  It feels like my body is betraying Noah by forgetting so quickly the little life that it carried for 7 months.  Did I really just have a baby or did I just wake up from a long terrible dream?  I have to look at the sweet pictures of Noah to remind myself that he was real, the events of two weeks ago really did take place.  How can it already be two weeks? 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Our Handy-Man Special Continues

Sometime in February we decided that we would start working on our house again at the end of April.  Well, it's the end of April, the men are available, life must go on and so the day after Noah's memorial service we (and when I say "we" I really mean the men, Tom, Jim and my dad) put a big hole in the wall.  It's been a fun distraction to see our house come alive again with house-building activities.  Here's the progress the guys (including a hired framer) have made so far:

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Noah's Memorial Service

Today we came together with friends and family to worship God and remember who God is through the life of our little Noah.  It was a wonderful, tear-filled time.  The out powering of love from the people that God has placed in our life was/is truly overwhelming.

For the most part, Noah's story has been told.  What God has done in our hearts has been told.  We will continue to tell and retell his/His story so that what we have learned will not be forgotten.  Just like in the Old Testament when God had the Israelites build altars to remember something that God had done, Noah's life is our testament to what God has done and will continue to do.  He is good.  He is sovereign.  In all things.

Here's the link to the slide show I created and showed at the memorial service.  I'll post Tom's talk when we get it downloaded and uploaded.  He did such an amazing job putting to words God's working in and through this journey.  I'm so proud of him.

Friday, April 23, 2010


I don't have time right now to go through all the events, thoughts and feeling of the last couple of weeks.  But I hope to tell Noah's story soon.  I need to share it.  If I don't it feels like he'll simply fade away. 

Usually I'm waiting for time to move by quicker: only one more hour until the honey is home - yeah!, when the kids are just a little bit older then we can do..., two more weeks until vacation, etc.  We're typically looking forward to something special and exciting.

Time feels like an enemy right now.  How can it already be a week and a day since Noah was born?  I didn't have enough time with him.  I want the time that we did have back.  The more that time goes by, the greater the distance between me and my littlest boy. 

Time fades memories.  Even though I truly purposed some special times that I had with the other kids to memory, it's gone.  I remember thinking, "Oh!  I'm need to remember this.  I'll write it in my head and on my heart".  The actual memory is gone.  I just remember thinking that I needed to remember it.

I cannot let time fade the memories of Noah away.  Even though I never truly "knew" him, I know who he was by the circumstances of his conception, through the changes in my heart that God has caused me to undergo, through all the people who have comforted and grieved with us, and through the path that God has set before me/us to continue walking on.  I need to cling to these things, or else it will have all been for nothing.  There is a greater story being written.  There is a purpose.  I pray God will reveal more and more of it in time.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Remembering Noah Tobias

God gave me Noah to carry in my womb for 31 weeks...and then He took him home.  On Thursday, April 15th I held him in my arms for the first and last time.  We said goodbye.  After I have some time to think and process, I will do my best to share about Noah and his birth.  Until then, we covet your prayers and would be honored if you could join us in remembering our littlest one.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I Will Carry You

I want to remember Noah.  I want to remember this journey God has us on right now.  We've got a couple things in place and some other things that are still in the works to help us remember this little one that we really haven't even met yet. 

But it's not only Noah that I want to remember.  I want to remember God's promises, His goodness and His provisions along the way as well.  I really need this because my tendency is to be more like "disbelieving Thomas" (listen to Pastor Mark's sermon today) and want proof for my faith to remain strong.  I find myself instead of talking to or even yelling at God (which I think is quite healthy sometimes) simply ignoring Him, "why talk to God when He obviously doesn't talk to me".  Now I know with 100% certainty when my brain is fully engaged and my emotions are in check that God does indeed talk to me, and not only though His word, but through those around me and through the wondrous works of His creation.  But, sometimes the days are long and I'm tired; the kids are whiney and the honey is late getting home; sometimes it just doesn't  feel like I'm being cared for by the great God of the universe and that His Spirit actually lives within me.

The words of the Selah song that I posted earlier, I Will Carry You, has really spoken to me.  It reminds me of the promises that I've made to Noah, I will carry him now in my womb and I will carry him for the rest of my life in my heart.  It also reminds me God's promise to me; that He will carry me now and through all the coming years' joys and sorrows.  I need that reminder.

So with that said, I went to Jeff Karl Jewelers and had them make me a white gold ring that says, I Will Carry You.  I absolutely love it!  It's simple.  It has weight to it.  The inscription is handwritten - so it's not "perfect" - but neither is life, I'm certainly not.  They did such a wonderful job!  When I went to pick up the ring this past Thurs, Jeff asked me if I wanted a ring box for it.  I told him that I wouldn't need one, I will never take it off.  It will forever be on my right hand as a remembrance.