I wish I could just have a good 'ol cry and be done with it - the pit in my stomach would go away for good; my tears would be replaced with smiles because I would see my beautiful son, whole and happy in heaven; I would not feel guilty or have any more regrets for the choices that we made. I wish that I could wrap my whole mind and heart around God's goodness, have no doubts, no fears, just full on knowing acceptance that He is sovereign, His will is good to me and for me. If I had that, I know there would be overwhelming peace, no more fighting or striving against my maker. Oh, how I want that.
Again and again I say:
"I give up all my own plans and purposes...and accept thy will...at any cost" (Betty Scott Stam).
Through the grape vine I was given these "five essential tasks anyone who has suffered a loss needs to do to help heal grief". I thought it would be good for me to pass them onto whoever might be reading this. This is what I'll be working on for the next several weeks, months and possibly years.
1. Accept the reality of the loss.
2. Experience and talk about the painful feelings caused by the loss until healing takes place.
3. Put your life back together by making decisions, taking actions that are constructive and that make a difference for what you have lost.
4. Put the loss into the wider context of meaning and faith.
5. Reach out for mutual help to others who have suffered losses.
Thank you so much to all of you who have read my ramblings, prayed over and with me, walked and continue to walk this long road along side me, especially my sweet man. I am not alone...there is something so comforting in that. I pray you do not grow weary of me as I start this road toward "healing" - I don't know what that truly looks like or if I'll even know when I get there.
I've asked myself lately why I'm writing this blog. I originally I started it to keep family and friends informed about our adventurous housing remodel/addition and, of course, the children. Since then it has turned in a way for me to share what's going on in my heart and head, especially with our journey with Noah. It's one way to accomplish no.2 on the above list, tell and retell. Writing has been a way for me to share Noah, make him known to as many people as possible so that he is not forgotten, what God has done is not forgotten. Thanks for reading and remembering!