Monday, December 21, 2009

The Week's Random Thoughts

To journal or blog is very cathartic for me...if I can get them out of head and onto paper (or screen in this case) it prevents them from clanging into each other in my mind creating mass confusion and an anxious heart. Here are some of those thoughts:


Monday Morning:
Maybe if I start to exercise again and not eat a lot, then maybe the baby would miscarry. It would be so much easier to just have it “go away” quickly.


Monday Evening:
I would do anything if it would mean that I could hold this baby, if only for a few minutes. Oh, how my heart aches to be able to hold this baby.


Tuesday:
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4

If it looks like I am strong, it is Christ.


Wednesday:
This is just not fair.
I tell the kids all the time, “Life is not fair. It’s our job to be content with what we have been given.”

I’m thankful that God is more concerned with my personal holiness, than my happiness…but right now, I’d rather be happy.

I wish the waves were predictable…instead they come and go on their own accord.

I want to melt away and let the earth swallow me up.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I want who I was spiritually last Monday morning to be stronger, more reliant on God…but this life that “will never be the same again” is almost too much for my heart to take.


Thursday:
Sammy asks, “Mommy, why are you so sad?”

I’m done washing and reusing plastic bags. I give myself permission to not care about what ends up in the landfills right now.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28 – Thank you Julie M for the reminder!


Friday:
Livvy says, “I don’t want it to be a sister anymore”.

I want a miracle.


Saturday:
We all say, “Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!”


Sunday:
You Must Suffer – John Piper

Psalm 119:68—"Thou art good and doest good."

I’m nervous about going to church. What if I break down and cry? What if I don’t?

Sometimes, neither good nor bad, people’s hugs feel like they are more for them then for me. I don’t mind. We just all must grieve differently, experience other’s grief differently, or maybe makes them re-experience past grieves.

It was just brought to my attention in a note/prayer from a friend that I have 4 children. I will always have one more than what I have around me.


Monday…again.
Somehow there is a quiet peace in my heart and head.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dear Friends and Family

We write to you with very heavy hearts. At 13 weeks pregnant Jenn had her first OB visit; and because the doctor was not able to detect a heartbeat, an ultrasound was performed. The u/s tech was able to detect a heartbeat, albeit not as strong as it should have been. The u/s tech also saw some things that gave her concern. The OB informed Jenn of the findings. She said that it appeared at this point that the baby is anencephalic . The prognosis is either the baby will naturally miscarry sometime over the next several months, or the baby will be carried to full-term but that the baby would die within hours or days of birth.

We know that God is good. We know that His ways are not our ways. We know that all things work together for good for those who love Him. God in His great mercy has been preparing us for this, though it is certainly nothing that we would choose to go through or wish for anybody else. In some things that we’ve been reading and listening to, we are more and more convinced that God has a greater plan than we could ever imagine. Our job is to let go of our right to ourselves, stop fighting for what we want, what we think should happen. Our job is let God use the path He has chosen to bring us to a deeper and more personal knowledge of Him, and sometimes that can only come through suffering. We choose to stand on Him and His promises. Faith isn’t faith until it is the only thing you’re standing on.

We believe that every life is a precious gift from God. We will try our best to treasure each moment that we have with this little one, from hopeful kicks from inside the womb to whatever amount of time that God allows us to have with our little one once he or she is born. Our prayers right now, among many others that you can imagine we’re praying, is that if God allows us to carry this little one to term that the baby’s organs would be viable and used to help other families whose babies are in desperate need of a transplant. It gives our pain some hope and purpose.

The road before us looks to be a very long and hard road to walk. We invite you to walk it with us. We need you, our family and church family, to surround us with your loving arms, to lift us up in prayer. If you see us at church, at work, at playgroup, or around town, feel free to ask us how we’re doing. But please don’t be offended if we can only give you is a short or pat answer. It is still so raw and we can imagine that it will be for quite sometime, that it will be too hard for us open up with everybody.

We love you.

Tom and Jenn

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Busy Morning

There are many things that need to get done this morning - laundry, bed sheets, remake beds, brush hair, brush teeth, have devotions, and leave the house by 9:15 so that I can drop the kids off at Sara's to watch them while I go to my first OB appt at 10. So, why am I taking the time to blog about it? Because I know that time is fleeting, my brain is on holiday somewhere, and I do want to remember these prescious times...God will give the grace and strength to get done what needs to get done, the rest can wait until tomorrow.

Sammy rests his index finger thoughtfully on his chin and says, "When I was a little boy..."

Ben calls out from all corners of the house, "Ma ma! Ma ma! Ma ma!" -I'm hidden on top of Livvy's bunk remaking her bed...I wonder how long I'll be able to climb up there before a big belly gets too much in the way?

Livvy says, as she's taking the umpteenth armful of laundry from the bedrooms to the laundry room, "Mom, we have too much laundry." I say, "Well, maybe we shouldn't have so many clothes." She says, "No way! Our clothes will get too dirty to wear on Sunday."

Mom's thinking - Math problem: I just put away the last of the one load of laundry that I started on Wed. With four loads of laundry to do today, not counting the exponential accumulation of laundry in the following days, when will laundry be done? Dad, I need your help. I've never been good at word problems. Is sometime before the new year the right answer? Humph. Maybe we should consider fig leaves making a come-back as a friend suggested on FB.

Must go...times a ticking.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Week So Far

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with some friends up here in Flagstaff and then down in Phx with the fam., we slowly made our way through snow covered roads back into Flag. Saturday night. Sunday morning before the sun barely had time to rise, the kids were out in their snow gear for the first real snow. They were so excited and so perplexed as to why I did not want to join them outside...I stayed safe inside cuddling my warm coffee cup.
That evening we "trimmed" the tree - well, it's more like taking it out of the box and fluffing, fluffing, fluffing, and then putting on endless amounts of ornaments. After the decorating of the tree by the children, we've since redistributed some of the ornaments so that they can have their own branch and making sure all the breakable were up about two feet. We all had fun.
In my attempts of using the last of Tom's first elk, to hopefully be replaced by another one this coming weekend, I made homemade elk-burgers...with extras. Along with the usual lettuce and tomatoes, we had some caramelized mushroom and onions, sprouts, and chipotle mustard/mayo sauce/dip that went very well with the homemade french fries. Yum! After Tom put all the fixins' on his, it looked picture perfect.
Yesterday all three of my boys got hair cuts. Nothing new for Sammy and Tom, but seeing Ben with a big-boy haircut has taken some getting used to...he's of course super cute, but looks a little like a new recruit.