Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Baby News

I wanted to share with you the findings from our ultrasound last Tues. But, I didn't want to share with you the news about the sex of the baby without then also telling you the name. Which brings me to why it's been over a week since we had our ultrasound and I'm just now writing. Which, I'll make you wait for just a couple more minutes while I share with you some of the thoughts which we put into the name.

With naming the other kids, meaning wasn't that important. We liked the names; we liked that you could shorten the names, etc. And we liked the fact that their names didn't have meaning like "husband slayer", which I kid you not, is the meaning of a girl's name. But we were never quite moved by the beautiful meaning of a name to go ahead, for meaning sake, and name a little girl Hephzibah (true name). Heppy for short?

With this precious one, meaning is very important. This little one will only have its name to express the purpose behind his/her life. But, having a name that isn't so popular that we would hear it out of every other parent's mouth, is also important. At this point I can only guess that it would be more painful than a blessed reminder to see another child with the same name, especially the same age.

Another side note before I get to the good stuff. From the beginning of our journey with this special baby, I've wanted to know the sex and give him/her a name. It just felt like that's what was needed to get to "know" this child as much as we can in the time that we have. What I didn't realize is that the more we know about this child, the more we truly "know" him/her and gets personal, it gets real, it gets harder and harder to accept what's coming, and to say goodbye. It's easier to grieve for one you don't know, one that you haven't felt, one you've never seen. Once you know somebody, the pain of losing them is heart-wrenching.

At this point in my pregnancy, and in some way with my other pregnancies, it's hard to feel truly connected with the little life that's growing inside me. Although I've seen the little hands move and the little legs kick on the ultrasound screen; I've heard the strong heartbeat; my belly is growing...I have yet to feel this little one move inside me. It's so hard to really grasp that there is in fact a baby, a real live baby that is growing in me. I feel a little disconnected at times.

Last Tues. we found out we were having a boy. At first I was a little bit shocked - I was sure we were having a girl. Then I was happy - another little boy. But then...then I realized that I would never get to know my third son like I know my first two. Then it got hard. I realized that it was/is only going to get harder. I don't want to hurt. I don't like hard...especially not heart-hard.

A part of us pulled back from naming this little boy. Maybe it would be easier to stay somewhat disconnected. The more we know, the more it will hurt. God's voice of reason and peace spoke through our desire to protect our hearts and pushed us forward into the pain to get to know our little boy as much as we can...which meant, he needed a name.

We'd had the "short-list" of names I liked since last Wed. night. Tom and I stared at it, talked about it, scratched off some here and there, and then we'd put it away. Finally on Mon. night after the kids were in bed, I tried arranging the names that were left on the short-list together, first and middle to see what their combinations would mean. The moment I wrote it, I knew. It answered my hearts questions and calmed my fears. I ran over and showed Tom. He looked at it and nodded his headed very thoughtfully. We let it roll around in our heads and hearts for a couple of days, and then tonight we told the kids. They loved it.

I'd like you to meet our little boy:
Noah Tobias
"Take comfort, God is good"

-I was studying one of the videos that we got at the ultrasound and God gave me this little face to hold onto and get to "know".

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Heart's Music

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Hold On To Jesus
Steven Curtis Chapman

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold onto the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding onto a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
For which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Praise You In This Storm
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

Your Hands
JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Back Home
JJ Heller

Don’t let your eyes get used to darkness
The light is coming soon
Don’t let your heart get used to sadness
Put your hope in what is true

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

When the future seems uncertain
Like the coming of a storm
Your loving Father carries his children
When they can’t walk anymore

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

Oh, back home…

-just in case you didn't know, click on the titles to hear the songs

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My Grandma

This afternoon, February 7th, 2010, my grandma, Millie Baker, went home. She was 90 years old. Five years ago today, my grandpa died...I wonder if she knew. I pray that they are together in heaven walking down the streets of gold.

I have very fond memories of my grandma. She had a wonderful memory! I loved listening to her stories. She was the only child of an older couple living in Boston in the 1920's. Not only could she tell you all of the addresses of where she lived when she was growing up, she would tell you all about the neighbors, the neighborhood, the history of the neighborhood, what she did when she lived there, etc.

I remember her saying that when she and my grandpa got married, she didn't know how to boil water. She learned. She birthed nine children. The first she told me died at birth or shortly after, she never saw him. Eight more babies followed, my dad (pictured with Grandma on the right) being the second. The first four were born in Canada, the last four in up-state New York. And some point in the late 60's or early 70's they moved to Simi Valley, CA. That's where they spent the remainder of their lives.

I am so thankful that we were able to go see her just weeks ago to celebrate her birthday. I know that at least Livvy will have some memories of my wonderful grandmother.

She was truly an amazing woman. I was proud to be her granddaughter.